Queen of dilemmas

I don’t know about any of you, but I seem to have a magnet to dilemmas. As tiny and insignificant as debating between going to the movies with a friend or staying in, to life-altering decisions like setting off to live abroad for an undetermined period of time or enroll in a scholar program. I just attract them like bees to honey! And they can be real poison to my well-being and peace of mind.

I seem to always put myself in positions where I’m stuck and need to make a decision relatively quickly, but I freeze!

My ‘gut-feeling’ sensors are off, and I’m just left with my monkey mind going around and around in circles with “Should’s’” and “Shouldn’ts”, pros and cons, tilting from one side to the other but ultimately making myself go mad.

I can try all the letting go methods, meditating, writing,

“sending it to the Universe so it takes care of it”,

in the moment I simply can’t seem to let it go and gain my sanity back.

It happened just today, where all was good and well, mind was clear, light-hearted and joyful, and Bam. This trivial decision about New Years plans made my peace of mind go flying out the window!

Just like that! My mind was high jacked by this “dilemma”.

I didn’t know what I wanted anymore, what would be the best decision, and it honestly felt in that moment like it was a life changing decision I was facing. I couldn’t think of anything else, I couldn’t focus at work, I was anxious, not present at all. Just dreadful!

Decision making has never been an easy one for me, especially when the clock is ticking and there's an imminent deadline to making my decision. It just makes me panic! I become disoriented, my brain is in a foggy chaos, I can't think straight and I'm cut-off from feeling.

It took me the whole day of going back and forth in my mind compulsively analyzing the situation until I went Ok, that’s it! I’m just going to sit here, lights off, quiet my mind a little and feel what there is to feel until some sort of calm comes back because this is going nowhere.

I put relaxing music, lit a candle, and watched my monkey mind do it’s circus. Spinning, but slower and slower, and with less and less chaos, until finally, some sense came to me.

I could finally feel !! And finally feel, even if it was very subtle, what I actually wanted to do underneath the junk of logical reasoning.

I’ve known this for a while now, and it's painfully simple yet so difficult for me to do in those moments of frenzy, but all you really need to do is clear everything that is in the way of you feeling, and the answers will come very smoothly, naturally.

Easier said than done, I agree, but at least I now have an indicator if I’m spinning and making myself dizzy with nonsense,

I just have to take a backseat from the situation, relax, and FEEL!