Unconditional love

A beautiful conversation with my Dad about my childhood wounds struck me on many levels. It gave me a depth of understanding I had yet to reach. And made me ponder on this subject we talk about so much, this unconditional love every human being deserves to feel, but unfortunately too many don’t.

It was my case, and it’s probably the root cause of all my suffering. Yet in reality, I was unconditionally loved. I don’t have the tragic story to explain this emptiness I felt, this need to prove my value to earn the love of others, this constant feeling of inadequacy, devaluation, inferiority. But it was there my whole life. And it made me wonder where it could have come from! Because I really did have it all; all the external circumpstances for me to thrive, to overflow with love for myself and others, to be confident and bold.

But quite the opposite happened..

Discussing this sensitive subject with my dad for the first time gave me valuable insight. It showed me how it’s all a question of perception. No matter the amount of love, support, encouragement I recieved, and God knows I had a lot, it was how I internalized it that caused me all this pain and suffering. Because it is inexplicable if you only look at the outside context. Since I was a baby I was always praised, seen as a little angel, valued from everyone; parents, friends, teachers, strangers. I was continuously told I was beautiful, talented, smart, the perfect little girl! But somehow in my child’s mind, it distorted and it created an immense pressure, and expectation. I thought those talents and qualities were my core value. That if i’d fall short of them, I was worthless.

And that belief is what I operated from in my life ; perpetually terrified of disappointing, of falling short of perfect. No matter the amount of true love and value a person could give me, I would never feel secure in that knowing. I would always think I could do something to lose it. Or that I simply didn’t deserve that love, so I sabottaged it.

It was to the point where receiving a compliment was destabilizing and created a fear : that fear of disappointing. Of one day, one moment not being at the height of that expectation, and losing the love I had gained. It was always like a game : if I did something that made me ''lovable'', I could add points, but as soon as I did one thing that I thought would disappoint them, I felt it was game over. They would abandon me, reject me, realize how poor value I actually am. And I can get proof and reassurance time and time again that I’m loved for who I am not what I do, but that belief is soooo deeply engrained, it will take time to undo.

I have hope it will come though, bit by bit, rewiring my brain to knowing my value is not conditional. That at my core, I am a good person worthy of deep, true, unconditional love. Starting by the people closest to me, whome I fear most of disappointing, showing me there is nothing I can do to ‘lose’ their love for me.

Since my very early childhood I had the feeling my Dad had such high expectations of me, that I kept disappointing him. I didn’t feel loved for who I was. I didn’t see my value in his eyes, so I continuously strived to make him proud, but never felt it was enough. Until very recently, I had that belief that I just wasn’t what he would have wanted as a child, that he would’ve wanted more, or something else. That he compared me with his friend’s children and I was just not as good or successful. But there have been openings for conversations lately that have blown my mind and changed completely my understanding. And further confirmed that it really is all a question of perception; of interpretation, stemming from my belief system.

Since my belief was that I had no value in his eyes, I created the thoughts and circumpstances to feed it, even if it was completely false. He has reassured me that no, he is not disappointed with me, that in fact there is very little I can do to disappoint him, he is proud of me no matter what I do, and most of all, that he loves me unconditionally, for who I am.

This is huge for me, and I know it will have a profound impact on my life, how I see myself, and create a new foundation from which to build on!