Take your power back!

I became a master at giving away my power. It always happenned gradually, without me even being aware of it until I find myself defeated, weak and utterly powerless. I’ve always had the ‘inferiority complex’ of feeling less-than mostly anyone I come in contact with. I value others too much, and devalue myself completely in comparison. I put them on pedastals, and the closer i let those people in, the most power I give them. I value their opinions of me much more than mine. I follow their feeling and belief of me over my own. To the point where I completely lose track of my path, my desires, my dreams. I’ve never really been ‘on track’ since I’ve continuously gave my power away. I just always thought I was meant to follow others, to depend on them for my own growth. But that’s absolutely false !

For many years, like most young people go through that phase, I was a lot into partying. My life revolved around the next fun event, party, drinking, having fun with friends and being out there! I had a blast, but as the years went by, I started getting myself into trouble, seeing my life was going around in circles and after a couple of incidents eventually having to stop completely before it would destroy me. I had to disconnect from almost everything and everyone related to that phase of my life. And I unconsciously labelled all of it as bad. I saw those years as somewhat a waste of time, where I wasn’t going anywhere in my life and had no ambitions. So the couple of years after that I dedicated to finding myself, to rediscovering those parts of me I lost in those years of disconnection, all with much discipline and seriousness. It didn’t make me happier, but at least I wasn’t destroying myself and I was striving to become more myself.I just hadn’t found my way of feeling empowered, and keeping that momentum.

I’ve had a glimpse of it in the most unusual circumstances this weekend but it gave me amazing insight about myself and how I function.While that last phase was a necessary step, I had forgotten how to have fun! I had forgotten that I was a bubbly, sociable and outgoing person in nature. I had closed up that side of me that loves to go with the flow, be spontaneous, be out there and show people a good time. I was very hard on myself, put a ton of restrictions and rules; drinking and partying became a blasphemy. But little did I know my power was also hidden somewhere in there.

Going out this weekend and going all in without any restrictions freed me so much! I realized being so severe and closed up disconnected me from my fun side, which is an essential part of my true nature. It’s where I come alive! It’s where I feel in control, confident and in my power, and at the same time loose and easy-going. I find myself freed from the burden of putting myself in a mould of the ‘good girl’ that stays away from anything that could make me lose control. I realized it was somewhat fear-based mechanism, to protect myself from falling back into old habits. But sometimes by letting go and losing control, you find another part of yourself! I found my strength and a level of empowerment and confidence I forgot I ever had! It created an opening for new connections, new experiences that I highly enjoyed. It didn’t feel like falling back, but more redefining my perception, and choosing the way I want to experience it this time around. I found great joy and excitement in reconnecting to my more powerful side and seeing how it changes my interactions with others, the way I see myself and the way they see me. It take all barriers down !Having experienced both extremes, I know now I don’t want to stay on either side. I need to integrate both my wiser, calm side and my outgoing fun one! Without which I could never feel completely myself, there is always a missing piece. And by giving myself a break sometimes to just let go and have fun, I’m sure it will give me greater understanding of myself that is a useful component on my journey to self-discovery!