Letting go

Being connected to someone so closely for the past year has been the greatest blessing as well as extremely challenging . It’s allowed me to open up, to trust whole-heartedly, to feel at peace and safe with another person, but on the other hand taught me letting go and detachment. The latter has been the most difficult part for me. It’s as if once my heart opens up to someone, it just can’t let go! It holds on for dear life, not realizing that the person is not the only answer, nor the only avenue; that I can live with an open heart and live those incredible feelings again with another person;

That the beauty and depth of the experience is not solely attached to the person, but also to myself, as a gift from the Universe;

That there is something most probably better than I could ever imagine on the other side if I trust the process;

That that connection was perfect and exactly what I needed for that period of time, to learn and grown tremendously, but there also comes a time to let go for new experiences to emerge.

It’s as if it’s such an inestimably rare, gradual and delicate process for me to fully open up to someone, once it’s done the person becomes like my safe haven;

the most precious thing in the world that I just want to keep by my side forever!

I can’t imagine living without them ; as if irreplaceable.

But it's not true, and it only creates pain on both ends.

Pain of holding on to something that needs to be set free,

Pain of holding back from new experiences and connections that could emerge,

Pain of continuing on a path that is meant to split ways, trying to make it fit, but only being shown more and more clearly that it’s time to walk our separate ways.

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Being wide open comes with the perks of experiencing deep connection, true love, joy and happiness but also comes with needing to be ready to get hurt, to feel pain. I find the experience to be always worth the pain that comes after, but it doesn’t make it easier. I don’t know if everyone experiences as much attachment when they fall in love, maybe it’s the fact that I’m so fragile and take so much time to open up, that I need just as much time to let it fade out to be able to turn the page.

Trusting that making that difficult first step to let go will eventually set me free is what keeps me going. It’s what keeps me open to creating deep connections without blocking it by fear of pain like I used to, and just knowing pain is part of the process. I would love to be able to, when the time comes, simply thank the person for everything they’ve brought in my life and move on, but unfortunately for me it take lots of time, self-love and patience. It takes going back more times than I would want before the perks don’t add up to the harm anymore. Before I am finally able to choose myself, my power and my freedom over the other person that makes me feel amazing but also keeps me trapped ...

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It's usually when I make a leap of faith and jump into a completely new experience that I finally set myself free. It’s definitely not the easiest of ways but until I make a radical change, the habits and attachments win! The comfort and security win over my freedom and power. All the willpower in the world couldn’t keep me away until I either take physical distance like leave to travel or embark on an entirely new journey. And as hard as it is to let go, I know the rewards of being completely free, starting on a fresh page and looking ahead to a promising future are undeniably worth while.

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